Winter Darkness
"I will give thee the treasures of Darkness,
and hidden riches of secret places.. Issaiah 45:3









Art & Text © copyright 2000 Jyade Cythrawl. All Rights Reserved.








Now follows the preface and some excerpts from my book 'Winter Darkness'
(which should be available when I feel like releasing it)


Preface


This tome of verse tells the story of my tragedy, my journey through the void of madness, the Underworld and my eventual metamorphosis.
If we allow ourselves to fall we might also let in the forces of chaos, death and the curse of darkness. This curse consists of death, which is the emptiness of the void and all the pain that comes with falling from illusion and the reality of our yesterday. Falling from grace is the fall from comfort, the comfort of ignorance, which is a very painful ordeal.
The symbol of having fallen is one of losing innocence, and it is always associated with pain and some sort of suffering, curse and punishment as growth and wisdom come with a price no matter what the circumstance. Only if we fall can we be transformed.


My story is not an easy one to tell. It began long ago but the relationship mentioned in this book is what finally sent me over the edge, completely.
No, it was not only a relationship that could cause such a devastation, but all that had transpired because of it, this was the catalyst and the will of the spirits.

Looking back on my adventure into the uncharted depths of hell (literally) I would probably do it all again.
Whats that? You say I’m nuts. Maybe, but I can tell you this, it was the most interesting, devastating, agonizing, interdimensional, memorable adventure that anyone could ever undertake. Never a dull moment.

Darkness and the trip into the Underworld is a two edged sword. The first does not guarantee your survival, but if you do, you will not believe the things you will be shown and open to, and who you will become!





Introduction


Originally this was only going to be a book of poetry, but I realized without all of the parts that I have decided to include, it would have never been able to relate the entire ordeal or the lessons of such an ordeal. Therefore, I am including this summary in hopes that you may then be able to understand the full impact and pain that this poetry reveals.
(Note: I will only include small bits and pieces of this intro on this website.Also know that this was written many years ago, before I knew exactly what was going on, the whole story, or what it was that the 'spirits' wanted from me)



..What a shame that we can deceive ourselves with all of the frivolities and lies of our lives. Always being conditioned by someone or something on how to think and how to act, or what we really feel. Are we then any better or worse off knowing what truth is? Probably not. Its got to be a personal choice. Some find comfort in being blissfully ignorant. Or maybe they find comfort in reading the ‘blue prints’ to life. Regardless, truth is terrifying. It will rip you up and spit you back out. It has no mercy but it makes up with honor. Truth is not for everyone, but I have been afforded the opportunity to go where most would not dare to tread. I have found truth. I have no soul or song in my heart now, but I have found some truth, and now I can never go back to the way I once was. My life now lays around me, shattered, scattered, gone. But I will collect the remnants of my soul and try to begin again... my way and with my truth, and this time knowing that what I seek, if there be anything at all, I will never find.

..Life is about pain, both physical and emotional. I believe the physical ailments heal quicker than the psychological. The body heals itself without further ado, while we are left to our own devices to heal our hearts and souls. Provided of course that we have been left with them. I to am now dying again. Self inflicted suffering, and how I suffer. My judgment has been clouded, I am filled with doubt ..

I can not live like this. My soul is torn in half, I can’t breathe, I cant see anything...but you. Oh, sweet misery you give to me new life all the while killing me. I feel so very alone and I want so badly to cry, but I am afraid to.. I know I will never stop again. I can’t concentrate on anything, I feel sick. Will I ever get over this? Reality , fantasy, which one is which? Each one offers life and certain death. There is no escaping this, I fear I will never recover. I have been sentenced to a living death..


..My quest began with magic and the need for change, but what I found was only death. I have always been comfortable with the beings from the Underworld, and now I have found out that the angel of death has a name. He is real you see and he is most commonly known as Azrael. I started off slow and he taught me what he could. Honestly it made me a bit uneasy in the beginning to invoke death himself. I wasn’t actually looking to die and I didn’t quite know what to expect. Clearly it’s all a matter of mental conditioning, once you lose your initial fear and the concepts that brought about such a state, things begin to change. What was once unknown becomes familiar and welcome. Fear is replaced with love. And this was the beginning of my relationship with Death. Before I even realized just how obsessed I became with it I had already begun my journey into the spiral of life and death. Who would have ever imagined that there was so much involved with death?

Within the acceptance of death comes the wisdom of life. We learn and create, for within the black void is the place of creation. Will you go mad in the void or will you create your dreams from it? Without a descent into darkness we would lose the possibility of rebirth; A new life, new ideas, a new direction. Death is letting go and that enables us to embrace the new. Sometimes it’s necessary to go into the void to unlock the mysteries of your mind and in the dark silence you shall come to know yourself. Death is all encompassing, it is joy, sorrow, beauty, madness and mystery, but it ultimately changes us for life.

Ah pearls of wisdom, and what I know to be the utter truth, but first I must make it through the dark night of my soul. I have lost faith in everything around me. Even with myself. Theres nothing left, only death.

...My life has gone completely awry. I have no idea what will happen next. Everything is completely out of control. I feel like I am slipping further and further outside the bounds of reality. It scares me to think I might end up permanently insane. I am in a state of complete mental overload, and I can not bear the pain. I thought I could withstand a fair amount of chaos, but this is to great force for me to bear. I suppose its time for me to mold something from this chaos. If I give up to soon I will die or end up crazy. I realize that the best things get their beginnings in a state of chaos, sometimes out of pure necessity. But that will depend if I am able to make it to that point.
Sometimes amidst my insanity the voice of reason sounds out clearly. I understand but I am not able to follow through. And that is when I realize that I might not have enough strength left to fight this force. Each day I sink further down into the Underworld, and I really don’t mind it. I find my comfort within my insanity now.



The day of my underworld initiation arrived, my second death. I was to take the plunge totally. I had arrived at the gate of Modgud without realizing where I was or what I had asked for.
I was insane, I was in agony, I was utterly lost. Confusion now reigned. I did not understand what was happening but I saw it all transpiring before me, as if I were viewing a dream.
"Now pay the price, I demand your blood. The ancients have awaited you for some time, now your task begins, and so you shall die.
Enter here and now this realm of twilight. Within this exquisite pain you will find new comfort and live within a dream. This beautiful heartache will become your new torture, your inheritance awaits you within the UnderWorld. This is our legacy; yours, mine and theirs, for this is the land of death. I am your nightmare, your only real friend, and I've hunted you since birth. Now come ancient friend, do not fear but I must tear apart your soul. Close your eyes and let the blood shed begin."

I was out of my mind, I took out a razor and began to cut myself wildly. Blood covered my whole face. I was losing my life, but it was certainly not suicide. Only blood, the price, and so began my Otherworld life. I felt myself fall, down, down, very deep. I knew I had left the boundary of my familiar dimension and I was somewhere very dark. And it was very real you see, for this is a genuine place and now I was an agent of the Otherworld. I saw myself dancing on my own grave, and the blood was everywhere. The whole scene was red and dripping with blood, my blood. I was losing my life, my soul was departing, it was leaving my body.






(This next section is found more than half way through the book,
it is the second intro, and again this post will only be bits and pieces of it)





My undead wanderings continue but now begins the realization of my predicament, my true imprisonment within the Underworld and this leads me to a new cycle of events.
This is but one part, for there is much, much more to this story. But alas, I can only share what I am able to reveal.

The one mentioned in this tale is not Death in the form of Azrael, but another which is very dear to me.

I have a special image in the back of my mind, but it is ageless, timeless, not alive.

I have arrived at the gate of the North Wind. I quietly look about me and then I proclaim,
From the wings of the winds of demons comes now the second of the first!, which has already started.
I have talked of you and I stand within your power and presence, wherefore may you grant me this last request.
Let me descend fully into your realm . See me as a fit extension of yourself. Unveil to me through misery, the power of my living death.
And so now he comes. I made a wish so long ago, here where I now stand . I have learned much since that day, now I need the other to find my way. He is a beauty, his hair is black flame. His eyes hold the secrets - the mysteries of time. He is a dark warrior of truth.
Time dances across the Northern sky. Like a soldier back from battle I have won. Through out, without, time, I have come. As my feet touch the snow and the wind stings my face I feel for the last time the desolation of this place. Bring new life to the dead. The winter demons come and lead the way into this icy cave and the bird flies in to meet its last fate.
On the wings of the winds of demons... Now Come!

.. I cringe with fear from the element of danger within his magnificence, and yet he is the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes upon..
And so it seems that death is kind and feels mercy for me, and love. He began to speak of the mysteries of a forbidden legacy..



..Mortals take refuge in their religion and therefore do not ponder the reality of such abominations that lie in wait after death.

Then I replied to him, "Do not rob me of my precious death, let me tarry longer. You have already bestowed upon me to much wisdom in my mortal state. "

But it was I who urged him on and by doing so I was left to fate. I wanted to become the true walker between worlds. I wanted to possess the ancient knowledge of life and death. So I turned to him and said, "I want you to teach me the art of loving in death. Leave me not within this mortal realm half dead and half alive. I have seen the secret beauty through all of this pain, leave me not for even so I will die, and it shall be by my own hand this time."

..And I heard a choir of angels sing to me my doom..





The beginning of the ordeal will be referred to as year one
although it starts towards the end of the year, in September,
and ends at year five
( the poems are posted in no particular order)



(This one is not posted in it's complete form, actually a lot of them aren't)
Autumn Year Two
Purgatory
In and beyond the gates of the grave is now my home
I have stayed with you even though I was warned to leave
Was I wrong?
"No, but you will lead another kind of life"
Then in your cold embrace I shall spend an eternal night
In the web of moonlight I catch a glimpse of my former life
It seems so far, so long ago
But now this is what is real
Eros and thantos
My search has ended
I have found my center
My center is death
Death is my love
Love only in death
Death is love
Death is my brother
My lover
Death is my comfort
My sorrow
I feel now only through him
He keeps me alive, even though I am dead
He lives through me and I him
Together we are life and death
Above and below
The cosmic circle
And the unattainable



..And so it must be to late for me
For who will love a fallen angel
There’s no one that can save me now

And the angels do cry
Because they once loved me
Yes you will be sustained,
But even you will never be the same..



The Voice of the North Wind
Feb. 6, year two

My breath utters my desire, my desire leads me to death
My life now lays in ruins
Forever lost
The hours laugh at me, but it is only time
Time is of no consequence to one already dead
A hand reaches through the darkness, out to me
Come
Come and follow me
Hesitantly I run into the blackest night
There is no more guide, there is no light
Only the foreboding in the night
I’ve lost my way,there is no path
The night is vengeance, I become the wrath
The pain comes from knowing, now turn your back
You’ll never be free
Death is the ecstacy, the final release
I can no longer distinguish pain from pleasure
Its all the same to me
I live for the pleasure in the pain, it is my only relief
I am left waiting, watching
Sweet pain you give to me new life in my death
All the while killing me
And the bird flies on through the rain
Sitting alone, I look through the world
My mirror is cracked, it distorts all images
I see them all writhe in pain, in their blissful ignorance
I am the woman who peers behind the veil
Speak not a word to me
But listen closely to the cries in the wind
The wind lives - it has a soul
And it carries the voices of long ago
Listen close, what do you hear
It carries a warning, the warning of life
Do you seek life
Then prepare for your death wise one
There is no life, only death
Take a bow, release the fight
Now go, run on into the night
The insanity is the plight
Breathe your last, look around
For what you see soon disappears
Leaving you breathless and in despair
Seek thee wise counsel from the ancient sky
Do not hesitate, and never ask why
Things are blurred , time stands still
But just for you, and only once
You were lifted up unto the unknown
They gave you a gift, and then plucked out your eyes
Sent back to to life, now you see nothing
It makes no sense but again, what does?
There is no order, dont ask why
The apparition comes when I look away
It swirls around me, choking me relentlessly
Cruel memory! Be gone - Leave me!
My torment screams with the banshide upon the midnight hill
Always - It will be there
Through out - with out
Time
Be gone from me
I have no name, there is no god
No salvation from my doom
No one to look upon - Now look away
But where do you look?
Into the broken mirror
Nothing to see - The mist covers all
There is no life left in me
The water streaks the surface
Imitating the sweet and burning tears that fall across my face
As my tears turn to blood my desire is free
The strong gales come to carry me
They take my voice
Now I am free




Feb 7, year two - New Moon
In the Jaws of Winter

I am surrounded by death
Where’s the beauty or the balance
I have not seen the beauty of death since the summer
Now all I have is the pain, grief and sorrow
My death no longer pleases me
I have no release, no escape
I keep dying and I’m tired now
It will not stop
And there’s nothing I can do
There is nothing left in me..
..
Only my pain
And my deaths
Many deaths
And still it does not stop
It has left me empty and insane
There is nothing left
Only death
Even in death I have been cheated
Where’s the beauty after death
Rebirth
And the balance between life and death
I have all death and sorrow only
My grief is eternal
Never ending
I have been condemned
But by who I can not tell
Something has found fault with me
Now I am tortured relentlessly
Never ending is my suffering
I don’t want to keep dying anymore
The winter has been long and brutal
Will it ever end?
Wait for the spring the wind said
I can not make it any longer
My spring for me will never come
I have nothing left to sustain me
All goes dark
Now the bird is free
But its to late..

..There is no life left here
No, Only death
I am tired of death
Why wont it leave me?
My life now drags on endlessly




The Warning
Winter, year two

What is this desolate place that you roam
Where is the sun
You’ve become all shadow
Fading out beyond your twilight world
Have you forgotten all that you’ve learned
It seems all you need now is death
And your UnderWorld
Open your eyes
Come out of the dark
Leave the house of death
The banshide will wait
The place upon the midnight hill
Will always be yours
Leave them now
Or forever be like them


The White Lady has come
May you see through her disguise
Shes taken you captive
And this her gift
Will make you wise
But will you be able to survive?
In time you’ll see
In time
The White Lady is the Goddess
And the Banshide
Which screams and bleeds and tears you to pieces
In the silent darkness beyond the night
No longer will you cry for yourself
For you will see their sadness - and a part of it become
It will consume your life
As you live with them
And die in the world
You must tell them this
Our legacy of sadness




August 13, Year Three

Nothing is ever what it seems
I hear a scream every night
And it wakes me fright
Who is the one that can not find rest
I hadn’t realized that it was me
The pain of emptiness
You might think it no burden to bear
But it weighs heavily upon my blackened soul
I once flew with the white dove, hope and good fortune
But now I am a banshide
And there is no way out
No release
And so my luck has changed
It brings only disaster
And pain
I hurt all that call upon my name
I cause a terrible sorrow of the spirit
Heartache
Pain
I have brought ruin upon many a soul
And never once on purpose
When I try to love I only maim
My heart is so black I find it hard to breathe
It seems it is to late for me , I must now accept my doom
My fate
There’s nothing left for me
Everything is gone
My life is barren
A waste land of death
The only ones that hear me now are of the midnight realm
But I am stuck you see
I live
Yet I am completely dead
I am not fully free to wander the UnderWorld
And not free to be alive as well
Azrael
Is this your gift to me
A gift I once gladly accepted
But now I want to live


No soul that still breathes can know my pain
Its to late now
There’s nothing left for me to do
But die
Vesper
Vesper
Can you hear them call
Vesper
Vesper
Now the curtain falls
My blood has changed again
This time it turns to water
There’s no life left in me
Maybe now they’ll break my chains
And I may freely roam in Hell




Path to Sorrow
June 11. year four

The wind, the banshide and I
Are all one voice
Hear our wailing cry
In the blackest night
On the lonely hill
Across the moors
Across all time
In the soul of the land -
We are the soul of the land
Be forwarned
Turn away
If you cross our path
There is no turning back!
You will die
You won't remain as we upon the hill
Your dreams we will take
And there you will lie
We are the sorrow you feel
Forever are we tormented
The sad ones and I
There lies such a power in this state
It has taken on a life of its own
And sealed my fate
I am stuck now - so here I will wait
Now unable able to return to the side of life
All is gray
Cant get through..







..We are the sorrow you feel..




This next one has not been posted in its complete form ~


The Legacy
Winter, year three

..We will carry and keep alive the legacy of your forgotten race
The dogs of doom howl on this lonely hill
They cry and sing a beautiful song
But no one else can hear
Their voices can not penetrate the mortal world
The wind knows this
And swiftly carries their ballad unto me
And I take a sad delight in knowing that I am one of them
Yet I live
And this pain is often to much to bear

Does this sorrowful song reach the ear of any other

Who else drinks from this pool of death
Only to remain alive
And we shall never breathe our last breath
The shadow of life does taunt us
Always there beyond our grasp
We carry the burdens
Our delight
The extreme sadness of heart
And the mysteries of night
We are the guardians,
The ones who hear your prayers
We are the bridge, the balance and the voice
That reaches out through time
In the valley of the shadow
No one ever dies







.. Once you pass Modguds bridge, she will exact the toll of blood,
die you will - but still remain in the human world.




Only when we suffer
Will the wretched spell and the rains reverse
My soul is tired
My wings are torn and tattered
And I’m drowning in my blood


Art & Text © 2000- 2009 Jyade Cythrawl. All Rights Reserved.




They can not end this mourning of my life. *Danzig

I know how the gods kill...because they have killed me


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